Skip this now if you don’t want to read yet another cerebral post from me. I promise the cuteness factor of the kids will be back with the next one.
As many of you know, we haven’t had an easy road with Mitchell. Without going into explicit detail, events have happened recently that have escalated my worry and anxiety about my little buddy. He’s been going for tests to try and figure out exactly what’s going on, and more are scheduled for coming weeks. You wouldn’t know it to look at him as he runs around playing ‘fast choo-choo trains’ or ‘cowboys and cowboys’ or cooks you up a picnic in the middle of the lounge. Isn’t it funny how a child can act so normal and yet behind the facade it just isn’t that simple.
I am an anxious parent. I openly admit that. I panic. When my little man is sick, I am on edge to the point I can almost be physically sick with worry. I am so afraid he will end up back in hospital or worse. I know I am anxious, so I try to control it, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t take my mind off him regardless of what I am doing.
We all worry about our kids – I don’t think any sane parent doesn’t. However I haven’t met a parent who can’t sleep when their child has a fever hovering around 38 degrees C, checks on their child every 15 minutes while they’re asleep when they’re sick and places their sick child in the bed next to them so they can monitor them through the night. I am that parent when my son is sick. I am paranoid to the extreme. I can start shaking with anxiety for no real reason other than my son is sick. It is such a horrible sensation to not be in control.
So take some medicine and get over it, I hear some of you say. Well, yep – my doctor has prescribed me some anti-anxiety medicine. Here’s the irony. I am too afraid to take them. What do I do if something happens while I am knocked out by the anxiety medicines? And to be honest, I don’t want to take them. I want to be in control of my anxiety so I can be the strength my son will need in the coming years.
The struggle for me is how to do that without panicking all the time. Knowledge is one of the solutions. The more I know about what is going on with my son, the less I am likely to freak out. I stress and I worry, but knowledge provides control and control helps to keep me calm (most of the time). Of course, the problem is acquiring the knowledge, and that isn’t always simple when you’re dealing with a lot of unknown.
I am hoping as we head down this path, I will find support for mums in my situation- not anxious, but coping with their situations and their children’s conditions. I hope I too can be that calm rational mum one day. One day …